Shades of Grey
by Peachy Papayas
Summary: In the aftermath of THE train ride, Lily struggles with her newfound feelings for James , and how to deal with all the new drama that they have created in her life, just as James tries desperately to get over the only girl he's ever loved... DISCONTINUED.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Characters and settings are property of J.K. Rowling. What you don't recognize is mine.

A/N: HERE IT IS! The sequel to _A Marauder's Girl. _Sorry for the wait; it was just SO HARD to write this chapter. I'm having major writer's block on this story. The good news is I'm _not _having writer's block on my other one! Expect plenty of updates for that. But I'll finish this one eventually, I promise.

X-X-X-X-X

Shades of Grey Sequel to 'A Marauder's Girl' 

"Lily!"

Lily Evans, newly seventeen-years-old, fell out of bed as an unearthly screech resonated in her hearing. "Get out of bed _now, _or we're leaving you!"

"Like I'd have a problem with that," she mumbled under her breath. Since returning home from school two weeks before, all she'd heard tell of was Petunia's impending wedding. Lily knew that, by the end of the summer, she'd be thoroughly sick of hearing about dresses, catering, churches, ribbons, and flowers. Just yesterday, Lily had heard yet another argument about flower arrangements.

"Darling, I think lilies would be lovely," their mother, Rose Evans, suggested gently, a smile on her face. "So classic, and—"

"Mother!" Petunia had shrieked. "Lilies symbolize _death! _You just want them because of you darling Lily – I already made her a bridesmaid, what _more _do you want?"

At that point, Lily had hastily excused herself, predicting what would follow: "Petunia, Lily's your _sister! _Of course she's got to be a bridesmaid!"

Lily wouldn't have minded this wedding nonsense so much if her mother hadn't insisted she be involved. She knew that Rose just desperately wanted her two daughters to get along, but forcing them into a bridal shop together was definitely _not _the way to go about it.

"Lily!" Petunia shrieked again. "Get down here _now!"_

With a sign of resignation, Lily got off the bed and began to hunt for her jeans. She'd seen pictures of the dresses for the bridesmaids Petunia had chosen, and had resigned herself to looking more like the wedding cake than anything else. She'd always preferred a more classic, understated look, but Petunia had flat-out rejected each and every one of Lily's suggestions.

"LILY! NOW!"

With a thoroughly miserable expression on her face, Lily pulled on her shirt and trumped down the stairs, taking care to be as slow and obnoxious as was possible. Once down there, she saw Petunia eye her jeans and sniff haughtily (Petunia herself was dressed in a tasteful floral skirt with a matching blouse). "About time," she said acidly. "Didn't you wear those jeans _yesterday?"_

"So what if I did? You can wear jeans more than once."

Petunia sniffed again.

All in all, the car ride to the bridal shop was far from fun. Petunia insisted on playing the most awful music, and worse still, humming along to it. Actually, Petunia hated to sing, but she knew that Lily hated it when she sang, and so she did.

Ordinarily, Lily would have been happy to finish things as fast as possible, not caring what she looked like for the stupid wedding, but once she saw the bridesmaid dress, she could hardly restrain herself. It had ruffles, taffeta, bows, and above all else, it was _pink. _"You've chosen pink!" she cried in horror, not caring when all of the store attendants turned to stare at her. "Pink's my absolute worst color and you _know _that!" She looked at Petunia's smug face and hissed, "You chose it on _purpose!"_

"I did not," Petunia shot back, "it's just Yvonne's best color, and I want her to look good!"

"Yvonne is a brunette with brown eyes! She'll look good in any bloody thing, can't you pick something else?"

"No," said Petunia loudly, shoving the dress at her. "Go try it on, and we'll see how it fits."

"Absolutely not." Lily backed away, determined to be adamant about this. It was one thing to look like a wedding cake, it was another thing to look like a hideous _pink _wedding cake. "I refuse to wear that."

"Then you can't be a bridesmaid, either!"

"_Fine!" _Lily cried, and made a hmphing noise. "As if I wanted to be one anyway!" With that, Lily stormed out of the store. Petunia didn't bother to follow.

She quickly turned into an alley, grateful that she'd passed her Apparation Test hardly a week before. Concentrating on home, she was gone with a crack.

Rose Evans leapt away from her tulips as her younger daughter materialized beside her with a fierce scowl. She couldn't get used to that. "Er… didn't go well, I take it?" she asked slowly. Lily gave her the dirtiest look she could summon up, before storming into the house without another word. Rose sighed in defeat.

X-X-X-X-X

James heard a sharp whistle blast from below him, and resigned himself to another stern talking-to from his Quidditch coach. Barbara was scowling at him as he landed in front of her. "Yes?"

"Potter, perhaps you haven't noticed, but this is a _team _sport." She gave him a fierce look. "That means you have to play with your _team. _Not by yourself. Understand?"

"Whatever."

"Don't you _whatever _me, young man! I was told you were _good, _but now you act as though you couldn't play to save your life! What's the _matter _with you?"

"I just don't want to anymore," he intoned in a dreary voice. "I mean, what's the point? There isn't one, really. I throw a great red ball through a hoop. Whee."

"Why are you even _at _this camp, then?"

"Hell if I know," he replied, and noticed his teammates, two Chasers named Anna and Rachel, looking at him irritably. He hadn't passed to them once since the start of their practice, which was turning out to be no different from all the other practices they'd had together. At the special camp in Canada, all the specific types of players had been separated into groups of three, with two others of the same player. Anna was from the United States; Rachel from Australia.

"Look, Potter, you've got potential," she told him, leaning on her cane heavily. "_Enormous _potential. But it's going to go to waste if you don't use it. Got that?"

"Yeah. Got that." His voice was still toneless.

"Well, would you _please _try a bit harder?" James didn't answer; she threw up her hands in disgust. "Team dismissed!"

Anna and Rachel immediately began to protest, in between shooting James disgruntled looks, as if it were somehow all his fault – which it certainly was. James didn't care. It wasn't his problem; he began to walk morosely away.

_So close, _he thought fiercely. _That close. She would have gone out with me, and then I had to go and ruin it. I can't believe it._

Since Lily's rather sudden rejection of him on the train-ride back, James hadn't known _what _to do with himself. He'd wandered around his ancestral home, eliciting stares and mutters from nearby portraits. It was harder without Sirius around; Sirius would have known how to cheer him up. Janine was no help at all; although she was entirely supportive the day of and after the train ride, she'd forgotten about him rather soon, what with the arrival of Quidditch camp. He knew that Janine and Lily had fought, probably about him, but she steadfastly refused to talk about it, admitting that she'd been a bitch, Lily had been a bitch, and it had culminated in a bitch-fight in the loo. He gave up asking.

As if she knew he'd been thinking of her, Janine was sitting in the swing in front of the cafeteria, her broomstick lolling to one side, still in her practice clothes. "Done a bit early, aren't you?" she called.

James headed for her, not knowing what else to do with himself. "Barb dismissed us early."

"Ah. So you pissed her off again, did you?" He glowered at her. "Well, you must admit, that's what you've been doing. I've watched you play, and you're not really doing so well. It looks like you don't care anymore." She glanced at him through lowered lashes. "Do you?"

"No."

"I didn't think so. Lily's birthday was last week, did I tell you?"

"Several times, actually. And no, I didn't send her a gift, so don't ask. Why do you care, anyway? I thought you weren't friends anymore."

"Of course we're still friends," she replied loftily. "We've had a fight, and now we're taking a short break from one another. Probably for the best, what with me being in Canada and her in England."

"What about?"

"Excuse me?"

"What did you fight about?"

She gazed at him. "That's none of your business."

"Like hell it isn't. You fought about me, didn't you? That's nice of you, Janie, but I hardly need you to champion my cause in front of her. I'm a big boy now." He was reminded of a time when Lily had told him more or less the same, and irritably stamped down on that memory.

"I said, it's none of your business. Oh, there's your coach." James whirled, to see Barbara descend on him, a resigned look on her face.

"H'lo, Garnet," she greeted the girl, who waved lazily at her. "Potter, I've spoken to the director. He'd like a word with you in his office. Now."

"I was waiting for my summons," said James mockingly, and without so much as a fare-thee-well, he followed Barb to the cabin that served as Underwood's office. He'd been to see Derek Underwood, the director of the camp, twice already, and this would be the third time he'd be berated for his behavior. "I can see why he'd try and put it off, though. I'm so charmingly charismatic. Everyone wants to resist me, but in the end," and here he gave a dramatic sigh, feeling more like Sirius by the moment, "they cannot, and they are forced to give in."

Once upon a time, Underwood, who was now in his sixties or so, had been a great player for the Stonewall Stormers, but an injury had turned him to setting up a camp for would-be pro players. "It's wonderful to see you again, Potter. I can't tell you how I enjoy our little chats."

"Me too," said James, his face absolutely straight. "I think it's time we took our relationship to the next level."

"Oh, you do, do you?"

"Yeah. In fact, let's elope and get married – I hear that's the popular thing now, at least back home it is. D'you want to wear the dress, or should I?"

"You think you're witty, don't you." It wasn't even a question.

"I try, sir."

"Potter, you're talented, but-"

"-But unless I utilize my enormous potential, I won't ever make the pro league, I know, so on and so forth. I'm the perfect player, if only I could get my act together, I know, I _know. _Spare me the lecture."

Underwood looked amused. "I was actually going to say that I'm not sure you have what it takes to make the league." James gaped. "It's not for you. You love Quidditch, I can see that, and it's clear that if you weren't having whatever problems you're having now, you'd be enjoying the game a lot more than you currently are. The fact remains, Potter, that you're a restless spirit, and you wouldn't be content to play the game for the rest of your life. It's fun for you now, but ten years down the line, you'll hate yourself for going that way."

James stared. Nobody had ever said that to him. He thought of Alyssa Comforts, one of Lily and Janine's friends, and thought of how she'd changed after her aunt had died in an attack, how she'd become determined to throw herself into the war, headfirst. He thought of Sirius, who was in France taking classes so that he'd be better prepared for the trials of an Auror following his final year at Hogwarts.

An Auror. That actually had a nice ring to it.

"I've already paid for the camp," he said at last.

"Right, but you're miserable and you're making everyone around you miserable, too. So shape up the attitude until the camp ends, or clear out, Potter, because you're on probation now. One more skipped practice-"

"I've only skipped two!"

"In a week, yes, only two. I mean it, Potter, you can start packing right now if you're not going to take this seriously enough." Underwood gave him a fierce look. "If you had the drive, you would've been a great player. But you haven't got it; you never will. It's not your life to play a sport until you're too old or you've had an injury and been shoved out like me." He gestured to his knee. "So enjoy what's left of this camp, Potter, because once you finish at that school – Hogwarts, isn't it? – you're not likely to play anymore. Do something to help that war you've got going on, why don't you? It would give you something to focus all that restless energy."

"What, and playing sports doesn't let me focus that energy?"

"Some of it, yes. All of it? No. Your friend could do it, but then she's happy to. But you? You're not happy. It wouldn't be enough. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself? The bottom line, Potter – I can't tell you how to live your life or what to do with it. What I _can _tell you is that if you don't buck up and ditch the attitude, I'm going to kick you out on your ass. Are we clear on that?"

James nodded stiffly. Oddly, he felt a bit better. Underwood nodded gruffly. "Good. You can go, then." He stood to leave, and Underwood added, "Is she anybody at this camp?"

"Who?" James's heart thudded.

"The girl you're thinking on. I know that look, son. You're pining for someone. Your girlfriend?"

James stiffened. "I haven't got a girlfriend."

"Then some girl you like, I imagine." He shrugged. "It hardly matters, Potter. I'm not here to be your shrink. Anyway, most people don't fall in love at seventeen. When you get to thinking about how tough things are, just remember that there are other girls. There always will be."

"Thanks, sir." James was back to feeling worse now. He turned and walked away before Underwood could try and give him any other advice.

X-X-X-X-X

Lily pushed her sunglasses further up her head, standing as a tallish boy with light brown hair headed towards her. She waved, and he smiled as he approached. "H'lo," said Remus Lupin, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Summer going well?"

"It's been all right," Lily said, giving him a quick hug and then stepping back. "Really, though, Petunia's been driving me mad. All she does is blather on about the bloody wedding. I suggested she just elope and leave us be last night – even Dad got angry at that one." She gave him a morose look. "I've just been difficult to live with lately."

"It happens to the best of us," he reassured her. "So I take it Janine isn't talking to you still?"

"I wouldn't know. I'm not talking to her either, so that effectively eliminates any communication, wouldn't you say?" Remus shrugged. He'd known, of course, that she and Janine had fallen out over something on the train ride home – everyone did, the story had been spread around before they'd even reached King's Cross – but Lily had confided in him the real reason the first time she'd come to visit him in Diagon Alley. When James had told her, or at least hinted, that he wanted an exclusive, long-lasting relationship, Lily had panicked. It was difficult enough to deal with her growing feelings for the boy she'd once considered an arrogant toerag, but he'd only made it worse when he had practically professed undying love for her.

Janine, who had been longtime friends with James even before Hogwarts, had suddenly championed his cause on the ride back, calling Lily a fool and a coward for giving up what she considered to be the most perfect boy who had come around. Lily had to admit, reflecting back on it, that Janine rather had a point: most boys had problems with commitment, but Potter seemed perfectly willing to be with Lily for the rest of his life. At the time, though, Lily hadn't considered that most girls would kill for a boy who wanted that much from a relationship, mostly because she'd been absolutely terrified by his confession. Janine hadn't found her long after she'd escaped James, and so what might have been resolved peacefully if only it had happened hours later, when Lily had calmed down, had escalated into such a loud fight that the entire car was likely to have heard them. The two girls hadn't parted amicably.

"What about the other girls? Jen and Alyssa and what-not?"

"Well, you know Marlene and I are getting along fine. The trouble is, Jen and Alyssa were friends with Janine long before they were friends with me. I suppose they feel they have an _obligation_ to stay on Janine's side." Lily couldn't help but be a little bitter about this. What sort of friends were they, anyway, to take sides like that?

"Well, not necessarily. I haven't even spoken to Jen since school let out." Lily shot him a questioning look; Remus and Jennifer King had been dating, for lack of a better term, in the last few months of the school year. "She's been away all summer, and it's too hot for her owl there, so it's a bit difficult to send post. Expensive, too." Remus shrugged. "I suppose we've separated for the summer."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Remus."

"Don't be. I'm sure we'll get back together by the time school starts up in September." He looked less certain of this, however, and Lily patted his shoulder comfortingly.

"Are you off work now?" she asked, wanting to change the subject.

"No, not yet. I'm just taking my fifteen – I saw you through the window," he explained, a faint blush tinting his cheeks. "Not many people come into the store during the summer."

"Well, _I _will. I could do with some new reading, I suppose. Is your break up?"

"Will be in ten minutes. Shall we get some ice cream and then head back?"

"Sounds good." As they wandered off, Lily wondered, "Do you suppose Janine and I will get back to the way things were?"

"Before the blow-up on the train? Oh, I don't know. Perhaps not the same. You can't get much worse than the way Sirius and I fell out last year." He looked uncomfortable about what had been termed the 'prank,' when Sirius had more or less told Severus Snape that Remus was a werewolf, and had nearly gotten the other boy killed on top of that. Lily's heart clenched, remembering that James had been the one to save Snape's life at the last moment.

"But you're friends again, surely?"

"Of course we are. No point staying angry at your friends forever – you never know when they won't be there." He looked down the Alley, and Lily remembered, too, that there had been an attack in Diagon Alley not a few months ago, and that Alyssa's aunt and Sirius's uncle had died in the attack. She shivered. "But things aren't quite the same. I've forgiven him, but I certainly won't forget what happened. I wouldn't be able to; neither would he. Your fight, I'm thankful to say, is quite a bit less drastic. Things will be awkward for a while, but I'm sure you'll be getting on again in no time."

"I hope so." Lily struggled with herself, and then admitted, "I miss her, you know."

"I missed Sirius, too. It was difficult without that idiot prancing around to cheer me up whenever I got too serious." Remus paid for his ice cream cone, Lily paid for hers, and they started towards Flourish and Blotts, pausing at some of the windows to peer inside. Lily glanced at the Magical Menagerie, noting a number of lovely cats inside. She pursed her lips. She'd always wanted a cat, but Petunia hated them.

Grinning, Lily told Remus to wait a moment, and emerged moments later with a cat in her arms. Remus stared. "Petunia hates cats," she explained. Remus had to laugh at that as Lily cuddled the cat, which had begun to purr. "This is Azeze; isn't he precious? He's an Egyptian Mau."

Remus personally thought that the cat was anything _but _precious and that he'd never seen a cat that gave him a more menacing look, but his experience had always been that it was better to agree with a girl than to disagree with her. "Precious," he agreed with a straight face. Lily cast him a half-exasperated, half-amused look that told him she wasn't at all fooled by his ploy.

"All right, fine, you don't like my cat; well, I'm sure he doesn't like you much either. Shall we go, then?"

"I have no idea if they allow cats in Flourish and Blotts," Remus warned her.

"Oh, they do," she said bracingly, although truthfully, she had no idea whether or not they did. As they entered the shop, Remus disappeared briefly to clock in, and reappeared behind a counter, although his business-like posture was somewhat ruined by the wide grin on his face.

"Good day, Miss," he said in a pleasant voice. "Can I help you with anything? Point you in the right direction, perhaps?"

"Yes," said Lily with an absolutely straight face. "I need a book that's going to give me lots of nasty hexes. You see, I maintain a grudge against several people and I'd like to get them back in the most gruesomely disgusting way possible."

"Ah, of course," replied Remus at once. "The back corner of the second floor, Miss, right side. Full of all the nasty Dark Hexes you could want. Might I humbly suggest _What Better Way To Disembowel Your Enemies?"_

Lily couldn't help it; she started to laugh. Remus was grinning, and as Lily's giggles subsided to brief hiccups, she said, "Tell me there's no such book!"

"There's no such book," said Remus at once, "but if you're interested, the author is Vindictus Viridian, also the author of _Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly-Legs, Tongue-Tying and Much, Much, More), _although that one is notably less dark than the disemboweling one, which I believe can only be found in the sketchier bookstores in Knockturn Alley, or so Sirius told me."

"You're joking. It actually exists?"

"Sirius said it did, but you can't always trust what Sirius says, you know?" Remus grinned. "No, seriously. Do you need help with something?"

Lily sighed. "Not really, no. I just need to wander a bit and find something to read – the summer's been frightfully boring so far."

"I'll bet," said Remus sympathetically. "You ought to have gotten a job, like me. Here, in fact. We could have kept each other company."

Lily laughed, disappearing behind a bookshelf. "Now _there's _a good idea. At least I wouldn't have had to put up with Petunia."

"That bad?" he called from the other side of the shelf.

"Worse. If I hear one more word about flower arrangements, I may do her in. My mum wants me to be a _bridesmaid, _of all things, and Petunia, with her typical taste in clothing, has chosen the most hideous dress for her bridesmaids that I've ever seen. It's pink, too, and I look dreadful in pink."

"That's too bad," said Remus. "Couldn't you, you know – opt out?"

"Unfortunately not. I tried that." Lily pulled a book off the shelves, flicked through it disinterestedly, and then continued on. She hardly noticed when Remus came around the shelf and put the book back in its proper place, smiling wryly. "This is the ideal job for you, isn't it? Quiet, affords lots of time to think."

"Yes, it's quite nice. And I do get a discount, which will be more than welcome when I get my book list."

"Financial problems?" Remus glanced at her sharply; she reddened. "Oh, sorry – that was tactless, wasn't it? Never mind."

"No, it's all right. Not that we're having particular difficulty or anything, but it would help a bit if I could save what I can, at least with the way things are. Dad's a Potions Master, or he was, and now he mostly experiments in the back shed," he explained. "The thing is, times have been so difficult now, and the added security that everyone needs is starting to take its toll."

Lily could understand that. When her parents weren't paying attention, she'd tried to place as many security charms on her home as was possible, without causing the toaster to explode from all the magic in the air.

"People have been dying, haven't they?" said Lily sadly.

"Unfortunately. Don't you read the _Daily Prophet?"_

"Only the headlines. I can't bear it; it just depresses me." She sighed, playing with her new cat's ears, to said cat's vague irritation. "Did you hear about those little boys? And their poor mother…"

Remus shuddered and snatched a book off the shelf at random, and then quickly pressed it into her hands. "No more depressing things, eh? Here. _Charm Your Wedding! _Might be useful, eh?"

"I'd consider it," replied Lily wryly, "except Petunia would smother me in my sleep if I got caught using magic anywhere near her wedding."

Remus grinned. "So don't get caught." But he reshelved the book nevertheless.

Lily was unbelievably grateful for both Remus and Marlene. Without them, she'd never make it through the summer; it would just be too difficult. Both had been quiet, not pressing for details until Lily was willing to tell. When she had, they'd been sympathetic (actually, Remus had been properly horrified that James had more or less confessed undying love for her, and had smacked his head. Lily was quite certain that she'd heard him muttering about how James could do _nothing _right without his help, which had made her reluctantly giggle a bit).

By the end of the afternoon, she'd filled Remus in on the horrors of Petunia's wedding planning (and repeated several of the past horrors she'd already told him), made plans to meet in Diagon Alley in a week with their new booklists (hopefully), and had even managed to find a few books that might interest her. As she bade him goodbye, Lily couldn't help but feel a tinge of anxiousness as she saw people hurrying along the street, not stopping to chat with each other as they once would have.

Hugging her books to her chest, Lily apparated home, to the relative safety of her bedroom, where, although she desperately missed some of the wonders of the magical world, the horrors that came side-along couldn't touch her.

X-X-X-X-X

A/N: I hope you enjoyed! Please-pleas-please check out _Time of Our Lives, _as I will confess that that one is easily my favorite, even though a lot of people said they liked this one better. Leave me tons of reviews; remember, no review wastes my time because I LOVE THEM ALL, especially the long ones that have questions and are full of advice! And thanks for sticking with me guys; it means a lot to me.

So much love - Peaches


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Characters and settings are property of J.K. Rowling. What you don't recognize is mine.

X-X-X-X-X

Shades of Grey Sequel to 'A Marauder's Girl' 

Although Lily had never been prouder to be made Head Girl – no small feat, and her highest achievement at Hogwarts to date – she couldn't help but feel the smallest bit depressed about returning to school. It would, of course, mean that she could avoid most of Petunia's wedding plans until the actual wedding came up – Lily wondered briefly if she could skip it, saying she had to study for N.E.W.T.'s – but it would also mean facing James and Janine again, something she wasn't entirely sure she could manage.

Nevertheless, when the time came to go through to Platform 9¾, Lily bravely hugged her parents goodbye, ignored Petunia, and stepped through.

She was almost disappointed when nobody stopped to stare at her; clearly, anyone who had heard of her and Janine's fight in the loo had forgotten it already. Gripping her trunk more tightly, Lily battered her way onto the train and collapsed in the prefects' compartment. If she were lucky, none of the prefects would show up until at least an hour in, giving her time to compose herself.

If only.

The door slid open to – of all people – James Potter. Lily sucked in a breath. He'd clearly been working out over the summer; his shoulders fit the shirt he was wearing very nicely, with the sleeves rolled up to bare leanly muscular arms. His face looked bleak; however. "Evans," he greeted her blandly.

"Hello, James," she said.

"I'd prefer Potter, actually."

Lily gulped. "James, about the train—"

"Let's not talk about that."

"Okay." Lily twisted her hands nervously in her lap. "What did you want to talk about, then?"

He gave her a look that held none of its old humor, its old warmth. "Actually," he answered, "I'd rather not talk about anything at all with you." Lily's face fell; he didn't appear to notice. "I just wanted to see who the Head Girl was. Not that I didn't already know, but I wanted to confirm it."

Lily was about to ask why when she noticed, for the first time, the badge on his chest, with its all-too-familiar HB. Unable to prevent her jaw from dropping, she gasped, "_You're _Head Boy?"

"Obviously," he answered, although not rudely and without any sort of rancor. "We're going to have to work together, but I'll try and minimize that time as much as possible. I wouldn't want you to spend your evenings in the Hospital Wing for being sick of me."

"James—"

"The prefects should start filing in," he answered, "but since I've never been a prefect, I figured I'd let you run the meeting, see how things go. I know there's already some sort of patrolling schedule worked out, so I'll leave it to you to explain that out. I'll take a more active role in the future, but for now, I'd meant to sit back and allow you to take the reins."

She nodded. "Okay," she said softly. When the prefects came in, they were all astounded to see James. Only Remus appeared unsurprised; Lily assumed he'd found out earlier. He gave her a small smile of greeting, but didn't say a word otherwise. Ignoring their incredulous looks, she introduced herself and James, before quickly detailing some basic duties and deciding on a meeting time within the first week of school. "That should be all," she finished.

They appeared quite dazed – normally, the Head Girl and Boy spoke for at least an hour or two; Lily had finished in fifteen minutes. Quickly and silently, they filed out, as if feeling the palpable tension in the room. James stood to leave; she held up a hand. "Wait?" she asked softly.

He turned to face her, his face blank.

"I got scared," she said at length, twisting her hands in her lap again. "I didn't want – you scared me. What you said. I… I think I made a mistake."

He looked at her. "So did I, I think," he said quietly. "Lily, if you didn't want to be with me – you shouldn't have led me on. But it doesn't matter know, does it?" he asked her with a grim look. "I'm thinking about asking Alyssa out. I hope that won't bother you."

Every nerve in her body screamed a protest at this. She'd hate Alyssa for saying yes, if she did. She'd hate James for making her suffer, if he did. But in some way, she hated herself for knowing that she'd deserve it all.

"I guess it doesn't matter if it does bother me, does it?" she asked quietly.

James frowned. "No, it doesn't really matter. Lily—" He stopped, suddenly, and walked out.

Lily sighed and fell onto the seat and drew her knees up to her chest. Outside, rain started to pound against the train windows.

X-X-X-X-X

"Yes, well, I—" Lily sat up very straight the moment Janine entered the compartment, flanked by Sirius. They stared at Lily wordlessly for a few moments, and she stared right back. "Er – we were looking for James," explained Sirius guiltily. "We'll just go now, shall we?" He tried to take Janine's arm; she shook him off.

"You go on, I'll catch up with your later." He looked doubtfully from Janine to Lily, and then left, sliding the door shut behind his girlfriend. The two ex-friends stared uncomfortably at one another for a few moments, until Janine pointed to a seat across from Lily. "Can I sit?"

Lily tucked her legs beneath her. "Er, yeah. Sure."

Janine sank into the seat, but she kept her back ramrod straight, and Lily could tell she was uncomfortable. But she didn't speak, and so Lily took it upon herself to do it for her. The silence was beginning to get to her. "Er… have a good summer?"

"Things suck right now." Lily blinked. "Between us, I mean. We're sitting making small talk. You have to ask me how my summer was, but the truth is you should _know. _But we're both being stupid, so you don't. I didn't even know your sister was getting married until Marly told me."

"She told you?"

"Well, it's not like you did."

"Like I could!" said Lily hotly. "It wasn't as if you were speaking to me, and there's no reason why _I _should apologize, you were being just as much a horrid bitch as I—"

"I refuse to fight with you. Once was enough." Janine set her jaw stubbornly. "I still think you're being stupid about James—"

"Well, at least there's something we agree on," interrupted Lily. Suddenly, she just wanted Janine to _leave._

Janine looked surprised by Lily's admission, however, and sat back more comfortably. Moments later, she stood. "Well then." She turned to leave. "I shouldn't have to say anything else, I guess."

"Suppose not."

Halfway through the door, Janine looked back at her. "Lil… don't screw it up again. Okay?"

Lily wasn't sure what "it" was supposed to be, so she said nothing. Janine nodded at her, and left.

Did she mean for me to talk to James? I've tried that… he won't listen. I don't think I'm allowed to screw up again… because I won't get the chance to. She sighed. When did my life get so dramatic?

X-X-X-X-X

Although Lily knew it was very bad form for the Head Girl to skip the Welcoming Feast, she found her feet moving of their own volition, not to the Great Hall, but instead taking her towards the dungeons, to what end a sane Lily could not guess.

It seemed, however, that she was not the only person skipping out on the Feast. Snape glanced up idly from his cauldron, and asked, "Shouldn't you be up at the Feast?"

Lily shrugged and indicated a seat. "Can I sit?"

He shrugged, too. "If you like." She sat; he gazed at her with unfathomable eyes.

"Oh, I just remembered." Digging through her bag, Lily produced the copy of Shakespeare he had lent her. "I forgot to give this back, so—here."

He nodded at her and took it, setting it aside. He scrutinized her carefully for a few moments, but rather than finding the action uncomfortable, Lily returned his scrutiny with her own. Snape had not changed much over the summer; he was still pale, skinny, and had an abnormally large nose. "I heard you turned down Potter," he said finally. "Good for you. You're too good for him, anyway."

She struggled with this sentence for a few moments, before deciding the fight that would probably ensue was not worth it. "Yes, I did," she said at last, and drew her knees up to her chin, trying not to think of her four other friends upstairs, enjoying themselves and eating good food, or of James, who was probably sitting sullenly at the table while his three friends tried to tease him into a better mood—or, for all she knew, he was sitting with Alyssa, holding hands and whispering sweet nothings into her ear that would make her giggle and all the other girls in the vicinity sigh wistfully—

"Evans, you're turning red. I suggest you take a deep breath." Lily expelled the breath she hadn't known she'd been holding and rubbed her cheeks to get the color to diffuse. He was staring at her oddly. "Are you all right?"

"No!" Lily stood up and angrily began to pace. If the abrupt movement surprised Snape, he did not show it, but his eyes followed her as she paced in circles around the room. "James is probably sitting upstairs, flirting with Alyssa, and I'm sitting here sulking about it! What is wrong with that picture?"

"Well, for one thing—" Snape began, but she cut him off.

"A year ago I never would have cared—no, I would have been glad that he had moved on to bother somebody else! But now—" She turned and glared at Snape. "Why am I telling you, of all people?"

"Because I am here and no one else is," he answered mildly, "and you're wrong."

"Don't tell me again that I'm too good for Potter," she said dangerously, her eyes glittering irritably. "Because I'm not."

"We will agree to disagree on that point," he continued coolly, "but I was referring to your illusion that Potter is upstairs flirting with Comforts. He isn't. I saw him go into the boys' bathroom to sulk." He rolled his eyes. "Child that he is."

Lily stood up, breathless, her eyes bright. "D'you know which one? D'you remember?"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Do you actually expect me to tell you where he is?" Lily stared at him with wide eyes; he gave a long-suffering sigh. "I don't know why I am bothering to tell you, because I do think that you are too good for Potter, but I can see that I will get no peace until I do so. He was heading into the bathroom on the fourth floor last I saw—" The door slammed shut behind Lily; he stared after her, somewhat nonplussed, and then returned to his potion, muttering, "Girls."

Meanwhile, Lily raced through the corridors to reach the fourth floor, completely ignoring Peeves, who cackled after her, "Shouldn't we be at the Feastie, Evans? Bad news, when the Head Girl doesn't—" But Lily had disappeared around a corner and could not hear him anymore.

When she reached the fourth floor, she skidded to a stop in front of the boys' bathroom, her mind finally catching up with the rest of her. What am I doing? This is a boys' bathroom! I—I can't go in there!

But she heard Janine's voice in her head: "Don't screw it up again. Okay?"

With a sigh, she put a hand out and pushed the door open, feeling a little dirty for doing so. She couldn't see James, but she heard a frustrated sigh and sucked in a breath. James was sitting on the floor in the corner, his head against the wall, his glasses falling down his nose. "Er—James?"

He shot up so fast that his glasses went flying off; Lily bent and offered them to him. He whipped them out of her hands and jammed them onto his face. "Lily!" he spluttered, looking so startled that it would have been funny under different circumstances. "You—what are you—this is the boys' bathroom!"

"I really have to talk to you," said Lily, and took a deep breath. "I've—I've never had a long, serious relationship, you know that? Mostly because you wouldn't let me," she added, and he opened his mouth to defend himself but she plowed ahead before he could, "Look," she said forcibly, "I just—I wanted to apologize for it. What happened on the train, I mean. I realized that I never did that—I just ran out without any sort of apology or anything, and—"

"You wanted to apologize for it," he interrupted, his face bleak. "Gee. Well, thanks a lot, Lily. An apology makes it all better now, doesn't it?"

Lily glowered at him, feeling vaguely irritated for the first time. "There's no need to be sarcastic when I'm trying to apologize."

"Lily, look," he said, rolling his eyes, "You really don't have to apologize. It doesn't make a difference, and for heaven's sake, Lord knows that you don't have to explain yourself to me. The deal was, if you still didn't want to go out with me, you just had to say no, and I would walk away—er, quietly. Granted, the kissing bit wasn't supposed to happen—oh, whatever. Look, Lily, I'm trying really hard to keep up my end of the deal, the whole leaving you alone bit, but you're making it very difficult…" He trailed off when he saw that her fists were clenched at her sides. "Um… Lily?" he asked, looking a bit hesitant.

"You know what?" she cried suddenly, throwing her arms up in the air and startling him again, "This is so not worth it! I came in here to apologize and explain to you what really happened on the train ask you to give me another chance but you clearly don't care so go ahead and date Alyssa, and while you're at it you may as well marry her too and go and have beastly little blond children who can't see worth a damn and will need glasses or something—"

James was staring at her as if she'd grown another head. "What is wrong with you?" he demanded over her shouts.

"There is nothing—oh, whatever! You know what the problem is? It's you! You're the problem, you're what's wrong with me—and I'm sick of it, so I give up now!"

"You give up?" he demanded dangerously, standing up and looking angry now, too. "Try giving up after three years, Evans!"

"If you really liked me as much as you said you did, you wouldn't have given up!" Lily was fully aware that she was being both irrational and hysterical, but she could not calm herself down, particularly not when James looked about ready to hex her.

"You made it abundantly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me—" he began angrily, but she cut him off.

"You scared me!" she cried, throwing her arms up hysterically again. "You were talking about how you loved me, how you always loved me, how you wanted to be with me forever, and all that crap—and I got scared! Boys aren't supposed to be like that!"

There was a silence, and then James said, "I told you, once, that when I loved someone, I loved them now and forever. That won't ever change, Lily, and you had to realize that. But I guess you wouldn't understand that." He stood. "But it doesn't matter now, does it? So we should just forget it all, I think. And we should go. Can't have both of us skipping the feast, can we?" He started to leave.

Lily searched wildly for a way to make him stay, and without thinking about it carefully, she suddenly threw herself at him and kissed him fervently. His response was immediate; he pressed her against a wall and she opened her mouth against his and she had the queer sensation of drowning, something she had not felt in ages, since the last time she had kissed him.

James stiffened abruptly and started to pull away but she tightened her arms around him, whispering, "No," and kissed him even more determinedly, not letting him go.

When the need for air became too urgent to ignore, she released him and he stumbled back, looking surprised and—angry. "What was that for?" he yelled. "You can't just do that and—and have it not mean something! Is this some sort of joke to you? Is it funny—"

"It's not a joke and it's not funny, and it does mean something!" snapped Lily, "and if you got your head out of your arse, you would know that it had! Seriously, James, you were talking to me about forever and I wasn't even seventeen yet! What did you expect me to do?"

To her surprise, he grudgingly admitted, "All right, it was a bit stupid of me to do that—but then you ran off and didn't write me all summer and I figured you would never want to see me again. What was I supposed to think?"

"I—" Lily stopped, realizing that she had never bothered to write him and explain herself or anything. In fact, she had been far too miserable about the fact that she had screwed up to even consider trying to fix it. "Look, can we forget all that?" she asked. "Can't we just pretend that this summer didn't happen, that everything is fine—can't we just start over?"

"No. What's done is done—and I really can't handle something like that again." He looked miserable, but he shoved his hands in his pockets and started to leave anyway. "So I'll see you around, Lily."

Lily searched for something to make him say—something, anything, and then it came to her. "Hey, Potter." He glanced at her. "Go out with me?"

He stared at her in astonishment, and then said, "You're joking."

"I'm not. Go out with me?"

"What would you do if I said no?"

She shrugged. "Probably ask you out tomorrow."

"And if I said no again?"

"Then I'd ask you the next day, too."

He frowned at her. "Would you do it in front of the whole school?" he said, eyebrows raising. "Even if I told you I would rather go out with the Giant Squid than with you, would you ask me again?"

"Yeah," she said, and she believed that she really would, too. "Yeah, I would."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Seems stupid for me to say no." Looking at him, Lily could see the slightly hopeful look glittering in his eyes and stepped closer to him, smiling a little.

"Yeah, it does."

"Do I have to pay for dinner if I say yes?" he asked, glancing at her.

"Hardly seems fair for you to pay if I ask you out, so I s'pose not. But you do have to get us out of the castle." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Because I have no idea how to."

"I showed you the way out last year."

"I forgot," she admitted sheepishly. "Besides, I had other things on my mind. And I always assumed that you would—er—be around for me to ask again. Will you show me the way out?"

"I can manage that, I think." She was gratified to see a slight smile cross his face. "So—er—do I get to kiss you now?"

"You already did that," she pointed out, but she was grinning now.

"No, you kissed me, and what I really want to do is kiss you without—I dunno, getting slapped or having a fight afterwards or something to that effect." He tilted his head and leaned against a wall. "So, can I?"

"S'pose it's your right, as my boyfriend, isn't it?" asked Lily, grinning all the more widely and feeling much better. She received a very wide grin in response, and before she was quite certain what had happened, his arms were around her and they were kissing furiously again.

X-X-X-X-X

It took Lily and James a full two hours to get all the way to the Gryffindor tower, particularly as they kept taking detours along the way. When at last they emerged through the portrait hole, nearly everyone was abed but for several very concerned people, all of whom were surprised when Lily and James finally crawled through the hole, James trying hastily to tuck in his shirt as Lily attempted to pat her hair into some state of order, all the while holding hands with one another. Seeing James's friends, Lily flushed a little but bravely stood next to him as all three stared rather incredulously at the pair of them.

"What the bloody hell happened to you?" demanded Peter, looking shocked, taking in their mussed appearance. "You two weren't shagging, were you?"

"No!" cried Lily, her cheeks flaming. James, for his part, looked not at all abashed.

"'Course we were, Wormtail," he answered. "Flagrantly, in fact. On your bed."

"That's ruddy disgusting, Potter," said Remus conversationally, and glanced at Lily. "Er—I take it something happened tonight."

"I've no idea what you're referring to," said Lily with an innocent smile, straightening her tie uncomfortably with one hand. James refused to let go of her hand. "Potter and I were resolving a philosophical dispute about prefect patrols."

Sirius's eyes lingered on James wickedly. "Must have been some philosophical dispute," he said, his eyes picked out a red mark along James's neck, which the other boy tried hastily to hide by pulling up his collar. "Well, congratulations. I think. Shall we break out the champagne?"

"Sod off, Black," replied Lily with good humor, and feeling particularly bold after the last two hours, she whirled and gave James a very firm kiss, one that he responded to with equal vigor. She could hear Sirius making squelching noises from behind, and she flicked him off as she pulled back, saying, "Don't be disgusting, Black." She smiled at James. "Goodnight, then," she said brightly, and flounced off.

She was halfway to her dorm when Sirius whined, "Don't I get a goodnight kiss too?"

X-X-X-X-X

A/N: Sorry for the long update—I've been busy. I apologize for it, but there's very little I can do right now, because I have a whole lot of work piling up on me. I will try and make time to write, but it's been difficult lately. Anyway, leave me a review! xoxo Peaches


	3. Note to my readers

A Note from the Author:

Ok, seriously, I KNOW I haven't updated in 2 or 3 years or whatever. And I'm sorry, but I never bothered to post the notice in this story, but to be fair, I did post it in the last chapter I wrote for _Time of Our Lives, _and in my profile.

I keep getting emails from about reviews and PMs that run something like this: "Please update, it's been forever!"

The hard cold facts: I have _left_ the fanfiction universe for good. I'm sorry, but I have. I will not be updating this anymore. Or any of my other stories, for that matter. Fanfiction and I are done.

I'm sorry for those of you that are still waiting for an update, but you won't be getting one. I'm not writing Fanfiction anymore, and I don't intend to start up again at all. Ever.

I know this probably sounds a little bitchy, and I'm sorry, but I've had SO many reviews and emails and stuff telling me to update (not asking in certain cases, but TELLING)—and I did put it, clearly, in my profile, that I am not coming back, not now, not ever. So I apologize for the bitchiness of this note, but I just want to make it absolutely, 100 clear that this story is permanently discontinued.

I sincerely apologize to anybody who has been faithfully waiting for an update. Fanfiction . net helped me grow a lot as a writer, but I've moved on. At some point you need to make your own stories, not write those of others.

Thank you for reading my stories and for loving them—I appreciate it, I really do. Feel free to imagine however you want this story to end. It's all up to you now.

Sincerely,

Peaches.


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